dshadow.com: Technical Support Drinking Game

Technical Support Drinking Game

Calling technical support is a nightmare. To make this process more bearable, I've created the following drinking game for use with your favorite carbonated beverage. Preferably Dr Pepper.

This drinking game is inspired by Covad and Sallie Mae.

This drinking game may be freely distributed as long as it is left unmodified, including the header and footer text. The official version of this document is located at http://www.dshadow.com/misc/techsupportdrinkinggame.php.

Before you call, take a drink if...

something is broken.
you are calling because they did not do what they said they would.
the problem is their fault.
you've already called them about this problem.
you are calling back because you were disconnected.
you are paying for the call.

During the call, take a drink when...

the number is busy.
the voice menu system informs you that the menu options have recently changed.
you access another menu of the voice menu system.
you are told that your call is valuable or very important.
if the customer service agents are "customer service professionals."
the hold music is muzak.
the hold music is a radio station.
the hold music is silence.
each time the phone rings three times.
you have to ask the customer service agent to speak up/clearly/into the mic. (Twice if they go up to maximum volume and you still can't hear them.)
the computer system is down. (Twice if it's down for longer than expected.)
the customer service agent's computer crashes.
the customer service agent asks you for identifying information. (Twice if you drone the answer out because it's long (like your address) and you've already given it many times before.)
you hear a click that sounds like someone hung up on you.
you are greeted with "oh, you're that guy with that problem."
you are transferred. (Drink once more if you have been transferred in circles.)
you are transferred to the wrong department. (Twice if you can get something accomplished from this department. Three times if you intended to get transferred to this department later.)
you are put on hold. (Twice if the agent thinks you are on hold, but aren't. Three times if you can hear him talking about your problem with another tech. Four times if he's making fun of you.)
the hold message is interrupted. (Twice if it's interrupted by a different hold message.)
the hold message itself is cut short. (e.g. the first or last word is cut off each replay of the message.)
you put the customer service agent on hold. (Twice if he's still there when you get back.)
the customer service agent asks you for useless information.
the customer service agent tells you your request is impossible.
the customer service agent asks you to do something impossible.
the customer service agent tells you you are being unreasonable.
the customer service agent is confused by something a prior customer service agent did.
the customer service agent contradicts something you've been told by another customer service agent.
the customer service agent tells you something you know to be wrong. (Two drinks if your mother would know that it's wrong. Three drinks if a first grader would know it's wrong. Four drinks if your cat would know that it's wrong.)
you have to repeat information. (Twice if it's because the customer service agent asks you to and it's something you shouldn't have had to repeat.)
the customer service agent reads from a script. (Twice if it's painfully obvious.)
the customer service agent is utterly confused. (Twice if he thinks you're an idiot as a result. Three times if he's confused because you are an idiot.)
the customer service agent is incompetent. (Twice if he tries to make it seem as though you are the incompetent one. Three times if another agent says the first is incompetent.)
the story you have to relay so the customer service agent knows what's wrong is a minute or longer. (Twice if you're talking very fast in an attempt for it to take less than a minute.)
you tell the customer service agent to transfer you to his superior because you think he can get the job done better.
the customer service agent transfers you to his supervisor.
the customer service agent tells you that it's your fault. (Twice if he's correct.)
the customer service agent apologizes for being incorrect.
the customer service agent argues with you over something that he can't possibly win an argument about.
the customer service agent claims that the service is unavailable or does not exist. (Twice if you have that service.)
you are disconnected. (Twice if it's intentional.)

After the call, take a drink if...

the customer service agent made the problem worse than it already was.
the problem was resolved.
the problem wasn't resolved.
you were disconnected.